Oscar Awards For Remodeling.

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Oscars for remodeling!

By Paul Lesieur

How about giving out Oscars for remodeling? We could have 4 categories.

Best dramatic performance by a homeowner or contractor.

Nominees are:

Mrs. Buttwig homeowner and president of Women for Chocolate. For sitting in a chair in front of the crew and crying her eyes out because the grey paint first applied was too grey and the second attempt wasn’t grey enough.

Best line from the performance: “Why can’t you understand what I’m thinking”?

Mr. Frank Lloyd Wrong AIA as the visionary architect tortured by budgets and archaic tradespeople who bravely submits undated changes to the builders.

Best line from the performance: “Budget, budget, I don’ work with no stinkin’ budgets”.

Best performance from a supporting role.

Nominees are:

Mr. Harry Pointless for never letting the remodeling crew members forget he once built mud daub huts with an indigenous Indian tribe along the Amazon River while in the Peace Corps.

Best Line from the performance: “You can do a lot of things with mud and banana leaves”.

Charlie Fumes the painter for painting the wrong room with the wrong paint.

Best line from the performance: “Does this mean you don’t want to pay me”?

Best Director.

Nominees are

Ms Iware Lotta-Black ASID as the smoldering artistic dreamer who managed to look both pensive and vulnerable at the same time and who also managed to get the words juxtaposed and relevant into every other line.

Best line from the performance: “I feel if we juxtapose the shadow line from a lighting wash to embrace the culture of our niche motif we will have accomplished the welcoming comfort of relevance and have warmly incorporated the values of we, as we are really we and not you or I, but in effect us”.

Ray Headway CR as the project manager who in spite of the fact it was raining buckets went ahead with a foundation pour and invented the first entirely self leveling foundation.

Best line from performance: “Shut up, I know what I’m doing”.

Best costume.

Nominees are:

Joe Waxring as the nattily dressed plumber who tastefully conceals his buttcrack with the tail of his shirt, a nice Oscar de la Renta silk polyester blend with tasteful stripes and Joe neatly stenciled onto the shirt pocket, cleverly offset by his careful use of the company cap jauntily worn to one side, his matching blue worker pants tastefully set to fall 4 inches below his grainy steel tip Redwings. To accessorize Joe has a matching blue canvas handbag with his most needed handtools to complete the Metrosexual ensemble.

Most memorable line: “Where’s the basement in this house”?

Deboraa Menora-Light as the tile shop assistant who’s over the top performance was only accentuated by the red 5 inch heels she wobbled around in and the cleverly cut parachute pants with the sequined back pockets topped by what could be explained as a shortage of shirt materials. Deboraa’s performance could only be described as a two punch knockout in a barely restrained role.

Most memorable line: “Are you here to look at tile”?

Please cast your votes.

Paul Lesieur

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